Dear Justin,
I'm starting this blog as if I were writing letters to you or talking to you.
You're off in the training and its only been about two weeks, but I miss you so much and I know I shouldn't.
But for my sake, I'm doing this to help me cope with my hard times, as a means of indirectly telling you how I'm doing or how I feel, in hopes that eventually...someday, I won't have to do this anymore and maybe eventually somehow be freed from these feelings I have for you.
With that being said, I start this first letter to you, Puppy.
My dear Puppy,
I miss you. I really miss you.
Sometimes a little, and sometimes way too much.
I still feel bitter every now and then when I see a different car in your old parking spot, I know it's weird, but it is what it is.
Today, our home meeting is at my apartment. It's the last time I'll be able to open this specific apartment of mine for a meeting, because in about a week, I'm going to be moving into corporate living.
It's happening so soon.
It's funny how this whole corporate living idea started from a conversation you and I had when I talked to you about my troubles of finding a roommate for my apartment for the next school year.
The Lord knew that you probably would have been the only breakthrough for me to even consider corporate living as an option. Thank you for being that person.
That suggestion is not becoming reality soon, whereas for you, you're now in the training!
It's quite something to see how much time can change us.
Anyways, it's been a while since I've opened my home.
It made me kind of sad knowing that you weren't here.
I cleaned so much today.
It reminded me of the times I've cleaned my apartment during spring quarter and you were there helping, or prepping for dinner and even the time we cleaned your apartment so that you could open your home for a meeting as well.
Sometimes I have such vivid memories and flashbacks of the times I've spent with you in your apartment or mind.
Whether it's helping you clean, watching you cook, or even just being in the same place as you...it feels too real sometimes.
It makes me miss you too much for my own good sometimes.
The home meeting tonight was really big today, a lot of people came, even Edberg!
Some of the brothers mentioned your name or talked about you a bit, and it felt like you were there in the meeting with us, even though I knew you weren't.
Edberg mentioned that you were enjoying the training, despite being tired.
I had so many questions and am so curious about how you're doing in the training, but I'm glad to hear that you're doing well in the training.
Sometimes I wonder if you've ever thought about me, and if it's hard on you as ti is for me...probably not.
You're probably constantly around people, while I myself am not.
This weekend is my last weekend in this apartment. It's bittersweet.
This place held so many fond memories that I've had with you and reminds me of all the changes I myself went through this past school year.
I'm almost reluctant to part from the comfort and familiarity of this place.
But what used to be so familiar to me is also becoming strange and foreign to me as well.
All the memories that this apartment holds are all fading away as time is changing everything.
I'm afraid. Scared to death actualy.
I can hear your voice in my head telling me to turn to the Lord in a stern voice or to rely on Him at times like these.
I know, I know.
Times like these are just times where I just need a good hug.
I miss your embraces.
I miss talking to you, a lot.
I just miss you.
It's weird though.
Almost everything I do now, I can remember things you've told me, teased me, taught me, or even scolded me for.
It's like you never really left, like a part of you is still here with me.
I just sound crazy now.
I need sleep.
I feel like since that Thursday since we ended...I haven't had a good night's sleep in a long time.
Even to the point where, I'm even embarassed to say that, I've talked to Alvin just to distract myself from thinking about you.
I could imagine if you heard that, you'd probably be really disappointed, even maybe angry with me.
I understand.
I know I haven't really been relying on the Lord.
It's hard, and I'm still learning...I just haven't learned how to cooperate fully.
Be patient with me.
Sarah is currently at my place doing homework. I wish she'd leave me be.
I want to be alone again.
To be honest, these past two weeks, I feel like I've slowly reverted back to my old ways.
But I'm trying, not really, to not fall back into that kind of lifestyle.
I know that's not what you would want to hear, I know you would want me to function more in the meetings like you've always pushed me to.
If you really saw how I was now, I honestly wouldn't be able to show my face to you.
I've been reluctant in wanting to see you at the training anymore, despite how much I miss seeing you.
I am pretty ashamed of how I've been these past two weeks...
I feel like I'm destroying what I've tried so hard to build up.
And now I have to start all over.
It's only been two weeks, but it feels like it's been forever.
I'll admit, I've even broke down pretty badly a few times.
You meant a lot to me.
But I know for my sake of going on in the Lord, and your own sake of growing in the Lord, that you went to the training and I...I need to learn to let go...of you.
My memories of you are so strong sometimes, it's almost like I could feel your presence there when I think of you.
I could almost fool myself into distorting reality, which is pretty scary.
But sometimes it feels like you never happened, like I never really met you, like you were only just a dream where I just wake up with images of you.
Well, anyways with all that being said, I know it's going to take me personally a while to actually fully let you go.
The Lord only knows how hard of a struggle it is, because you were someone I cared so much for.
But in this process, I don't want to try to get over you, but somehow in this process just learn to take it day by day with these letters and enjoying the Lord.
And maybe eventually, I won't need this anymore, and maybe eventually, I'll learn how to let go of you and just turn only to the Lord alone.
